Out of the darkness...

this is very important to me to get this out there to you, so i've prayed that God would recall it all to memory...keep in mind before you begin, this is lengthy(and intense)..but, praise be to God;)!
if what lies herein was too much, then i truly believe the Lord would've given me a Reader's Digest version to share...but He didn't..this is what He has laid on my heart..

as i mentioned before...this is lengthy..if you don't have time to read it in one sitting, i'd love for you to come back to it..but, unless you've mastered a speed-reading course, this may take awhile..and i'm leaving it at that..

what follows is a testament to the Lord's grace, mercy, and patience...without these, i wouldn't be here to share this..God bless each of you much...

Both sides of my family had very strong Christian backgrounds, so I grew up going to church and Sunday school off and on, and had an idea who Jesus was from an early age.
My dad’s parents were missionaries and pastors to the Native Americans of the Spokane/Wellpinit tribes in eastern Washington, and during the summer trips to visit them, I would attend the meetings there. My grandparents lived right up the road from the bible camp, and so it was like a second home to me as a kid. The tabernacle where services were held was a large, wooden auditorium with sawdust floors, and old wooden pews, with well-worn hymnals tucked in the back of each one. I always looked forward to summertime as a kid, not just because it was a reprieve from school when I was old enough to go, but because it also meant I’d be going to see grandpa and grandma for a few weeks, sometimes longer. There were, what I would now call, some amazing prayer warriors that belonged to the assembly there. I was so young at that point in time, that my memories are pretty random and hazy, but I do remember the camp meetings with much fondness.
My dad had served his time in the navy, and had gone into long-haul trucking when he got out of the military; he was 22 when I was born, and my mom was 19. He wasn’t home very much when I was young, usually on the road for days or weeks, sometimes months at a time. When he was home, I don’t remember things being the best. He was into motorcycles, and fast cars, and hung with a biker crowd..not necessarily hell’s angels-types, but just a notch or two away from that. It was the very late 60s, early 70s, and dad had this “easy rider” mentality going. My mom told me as I got older, that there were drugs involved in their lives besides the drinking and partying that would happen when they’d get together with friends, but I was too young to realize at the time what was going on around me.
aaahhh…the innocence of being a kid.
When he was around, as I mentioned before, the atmosphere at home was very different, mom was different. Dad was borderline abusive, physically as well as verbally, and mentally (but that was aimed more at mom). I remember a bullwhip that he had hanging on the wall in their bedroom, and I always used to think how much more that would hurt compared to the leather belts he would use when disciplining me. Luckily, I never found out. My early childhood saw a lot of unnecessary punishment, and discipline (according to my mom, aunts, and uncles on both sides of the family), and I couldn’t really figure out why I was in trouble all the time. Don’t get me wrong, I did my usual fair share of kid-stuff that would merit an occasional spanking or being sent to my room, but it was more than that.
I guess I was somewhat pigeon-toed as a kid, and my dad hated that, and would correct me whenever he saw me walking that way. I will never forget, but have long-since forgiven, the method(s) he used to correct this. He would have me lay on the living room floor on my stomach, and step down on the heels of my feet, applying pressure (for what seemed an eternity) to the heels of my feet, kind of a Charlie Chaplin-style, while he watched tv. Sometimes he would use furniture to apply the pressure; needless to say, whether out of fear of having to go through that anymore, or God correcting it..i learned to walk right.
On any given whim, he would find reasons to punish me in the most destructive and violent ways, always angry. I remember, at age 5 or 6, having a Disney toybox in my bedroom that he took a hammer or tire-iron to, completely destroying the toybox and most of the toys inside.
By the time I was 5, I looked forward to the times when he wouldn’t be home, as it gave my mom and I a chance to breathe easier, and actually enjoy life. We would go spend time with her family an hour south in Olympia, and those times were always good. We would get to attend church with my grandma and aunts, that were in their teenage years, and that was always something to look forward to. Then it would be time to head back to Seattle to return to a scary home, filled with horrible memories.
The good times of growing up are so hit-and-miss that they only pepper my memory, and I carried those resentments and fears with me through a large portion of my life.
Two of my parents closest friends were a young couple they’d known from the neighbourhood I grew up in, and we did a lot of things with them on the weekends, or whenever my parents had downtime. My “uncle” Dan was just getting started in his major league baseball career, and was beginning to travel a lot between Seattle and San Diego, which gave my dad the opportunity to travel and watch spring training games, and kept him away from the house even more than he already was.
Mom took a job at a nearby mall, working for an Indian family whose business sold everything from incense to statues of Hindu gods and goddesses (and everything in between). They were a nice family that really took to mom, and me. It was about this same time, maybe age 7, when I started getting very interested in the zodiac, and astrology. As a kid, I could tell you exactly what each sign was and draw it with the expertise of anyone equipped with a box of crayons..i’m not sure why I was so interested in this, but I kinda see the beginning of spiritual things now that I look back on it. One of my other early interests was mythology, primarily Greek and Roman, but Norse would do just fine, too. By the time I was in the 3rd grade, I knew each of the deities names, in both the Greek and Roman, and what they represented..and there again, could draw you an image of their likeness in no time flat.
Before my 8th birthday rolled around, my dad had pretty much left from the house altogether, and the times we’d see him were more like holidays, as they didn’t happen very often. It was around this time, too, that I got my first visual of something of a pornographic nature. In my dad’s absence, my mom had a couple of really close friends that we would spend time with, and I remember one of them had given mom a magazine one time that she had slipped under her bed. Now, I wasn’t necessarily prone to snooping, but I remember finding this magazine one day while she was shopping, and when I opened it, it created some weird feelings inside, something kind of stirred, I guess.
It was a new magazine for women, called Playgirl. That was my introduction to the world of pornography.
My parents divorced soon after, and I was devastated…as I didn’t really know what it was, I just knew dad wasn’t coming back, and that he’d found somebody else to live with. It was actually a mixed blessing, I guess.
Mom and I stayed in Seattle for a couple of years before deciding to move to Olympia to be closer to my grandma. We’d make trips down on the weekend, and attend church services with her, and there again..i always kinda enjoyed it, but I really didn’t understand it.
I remember one of the apartment complexes that my grandma lived in, and her neighbours that she referred to as the “sundown hummers”. That frightened and intrigued me at the same time, being so young. She said they were called Buddhists, and I had no idea what that meant..but I’d find reasons as a kid to be out on the front porch to hear the sounds emanating from their apartment, until I’d get so scared I’d retreat back into grandma’s place.
Once mom and I moved back to Olympia, we started attending grandma’s church regularly, and even became members. Mom got involved with the church in the daycare, and I got involved in the kids’ activities, such as Royal Rangers. We remained there, and things seemed better with dad out of our lives, for the most part. He never really seemed to have much of an interest to spend time with me, so it rarely happened..except for the summertime, when he’d take me to go see my grandparents in eastern Washington.
By the time middle school began, mom had befriended a recently-divorced woman from the church that I absolutely grew to love. She had two older kids, a boy and a girl. Together, because of their freedom as single moms, they had decided to move to Boise, Idaho, and start over, sharing a house and expenses..taking myself and her son with them. He was about 9 years older than me, and we got along pretty well, but there was just enough of an age difference that we didn’t do much together, or even share many of the same interests. He worked, liked girls, four-wheeling in the foothills outside of town, and listened to music..i was still into toys, and playing outside.
Things went along pretty smoothly for the most part once we were in Boise; I had family there as well. Mom came from a large family (6 boys and 3 girls), and one of my uncles and his family lived there, and were members of the church that we began attending.
For the first time in my life, I really began to enjoy being part of a church body. We attended a great Assemblies of God church, with wonderful people, and it was a real adventure. Mom worked in the daycare attached to the school that I began attending, that was all part of the same church home.
Life was really good. It was the mid- to late 70s, and things were looking up for us, finally. Dad became even more of a distant memory by this time, and was rarely ever heard from.. which was fine by us.
One of my closest calls of ever being abducted by a stranger happened our first summer in Idaho. We lived about six blocks off one of the main roads in a nice neighbourhood, and there was a Circle K convenience store at the end of the street where I’d buy my comic books and candy. On a hot summer day, I’d walked down to the store, as I had many times before, to buy some things. Halfway there, a man I didn’t know pulled up in front of me in his van and asked if he could give me a ride..he said he knew my mom, and she wanted him to take me to the store. I said no, but he opened his door anyways. I remember feeling nauseous, and went white. I ran around the back of his van, and booked down the street the last two blocks to the store, and called home. The roommate’s son was asleep, and didn’t hear the call come in, so I waited in the store for a few, then cautiously made my way back home. Safe, but not very sound.
The second year we were in Idaho, my mom’s friend’s daughter decided to move over as well, and things got even better, as she was only about 5 years older than me, and was more like an older sister. By that time, we’d moved into a larger house.. and things were still good. Things changed soon after.
I will always remember the night of my first real sexual encounter. Our moms were gone on a women’s retreat, and wouldn’t be back until the next day. When the late night show was over, for some reason, he and I decided to play a game of hide and seek. I remember walking to the top of the stairs to the basement, his room was downstairs, and all the lights were off. He told me to leave them that way and come down. I followed orders, and went down into the darkness, literally.
What transpired was my first real homosexual act. My head reeled, and I remember how odd and disconnected I felt during the situation, and especially afterwards. His words still ring through my ears today…”How long have you wanted to do that?” he asked, I don’t remember.
That was the beginning of sexual play between the two of us that would last just over a year or so, but it progressively got more frequent, and more involved. Sometime during that year, though, mom and I moved into our own place, but still remained close to them.
That following summer, I had my first sexual heterosexual experience with a girl that I don’t even remember how we knew each other. So, by age 13, I’d already experienced both sides of the sexual spectrum.
Throughout this entire period of time, we remained faithful church-goers..but I had no idea what the implications of my newfound sexuality meant in regards to my faith, the two were completely separate in my eyes. For some reason, I had started to become very curious about the sexual bond between men, and had gone so far as befriending an older man that worked in one of the adult bookstores in the downtown area. We had a few phone conversations between us, and had even set a weekend “date” for him and I to get together, and "hang out". It makes me sick to my stomach even thinking about it now. I remember he was supposed to pick me up after I’d gotten off the school bus on a Friday afternoon, and he would supposedly take me home the following day. I think I’d lied to my mom and told her I’d be spending the night with a friend’s family from church. On my way home from the bus stop that day, I was walking down the road towards our apartment, when he pulled up and asked if it was me…the intense fear that was inside, and the feelings of danger, and confusion were overwhelming. I remember telling him he had the wrong person, and he continued slowly down the road the opposite direction, and turned around. I booked it as fast as I could, and ran around the backside of our complex to the front of our apartment before he could “cruise” back by to see where I’d gone. God was completely watching over me that day, and I didn’t even know it.
Right before Christmas that same year, mom had decided we’d move back to Olympia again…so we left Boise and all of its fun and fascination (and close-calls) behind.
Being around family again was comforting and familiar, and once again, life was good. Mom had taken a job with our old church in the daycare again, and I finished middle school in the private one there. That next summer, an old friend of the family (and a former high-school sweetheart of mom’s) resurfaced..and they began dating. He was a nice guy, had two kids from a previous marriage (a girl about my age and a boy about five years younger), and it was kind of nice. He began attending services with us at church, and gave his heart to the Lord, so did his son.
They married later that year. They purchased some land just south of town, and we all moved into a brand new double-wide manufactured home he had brought in. His daughter lived with her mom, but his son was with us. Things went about their usual course, but his son was always being grounded and punished for one thing or another.. usual kid-stuff. About a year after the marriage, my new brother went to live with his mom. Shortly after that, things changed.
I’m not sure what happened to the relationship between my mom and stepdad, but things were different. Within a short period of time after his son left, he began coming into my room at night after mom would go to bed to “talk”. I may have initially suggested this, but he soon made the “talks” more frequent. We were engaging in homosexual activity with each other. All this time, we were attending church..however, we had moved from our home church, and began attending one that my grandma was more comfortable in. I thought I was a Christian, at least I was going through the motions, anyways.
My stepdad became a deacon at the new church, and we were there “religiously” everytime the doors were open. My grandma was the church’s piano player, and I’d always loved hearing her play, even if it was on the one that she had at home. She was an amazing woman, one of the dearest, most sincere Christian women ever.
This was the first time in my life I’d ever attended one school for longer than a year and a half without moving, it was high school. I was really into music, and had gotten into this new wave/punk rock movement. I collected a lot of music, dressed the part, bleached my hair, and i would always try to point out the good parts of it to mom so that she wouldn’t be so opposed to it. We still went around and around, and at different times..i would come home from school and find my room void of any of the music, posters, and clothes that it represented.
I did okay in school, but was going through typical teenage rebellion stuff, and would get grounded from time to time, which really wasn’t much of an issue as we lived so far from town and civilization, anyways, that being grounded wasn’t much different from any other time. My first real experimentation with any kind of drug didn’t happen until my sophomore year, when I skipped the last two classes of the day to go smoke some pot with an old friend of mine from church and a girl who lived on my bus route. It didn’t do too much at first, but I kinda liked the feeling. I would keep this up for the next few months until mom caught on, and the thrill of it subsided.
The talks between my stepdad and I continued and became more intense, all the while we were attending church, and I was beginning to feel a resentment towards him, and he towards me. A couple of times, we’d argued, and he’d punched me in the face. Mom didn’t do much, other than lecture him..and warn me to not ruin it for us.
By the time my senior year started, I’d had enough of the hypocrisy and of homelife, and mom being so domineering..and decided I could go out and do it on my own. I’ll never forget that day. I packed everything I owned into a bunch of bags, called some friends from school, and asked if they could come pick me up. I broke mom’s heart that day, I know, but at least I’d be away from him, and them.
I got a job as a busboy, and continued with school. By Christmas, I’d lost the job and my first apartment and began what would be a long history of couch-tripping. I’d gone to stay with a school friend’s family so I could finish out my senior year, and ended up falling in love with a girl from an area high school that lived the fast-life. She was beautiful, and wealthy, and well-connected, and I was in love. She had a few friends that were a bit different from anyone I’d really ever known. They were guys who were a little more effeminate than I’d ever seen before, but they were cool, and we got along well.
With her, I got my first taste of the Seattle clublife, and what it involved. She had met and partied with many of the day’s top bands and superstars, and I was in awe.
God was nowhere to be found in my life, nor was whatever relationship I’d ever presumed to have had with His Son, Jesus. I was discovering a whole new way of life, completely void of any of that..it was the beginning of what would become a full-on rebellion and lifestyle. Drugs weren’t in the picture, but drinking was, and had been doing alot of it since senior year.
One weekend, while I was staying with some of my girlfriends’ best friends in Seattle and attending some raging parties, I met one of the first “closeted” men I’d ever known. He was an officer in the U.S. Navy and lived downstairs from the apt. where we were staying for the weekend, and he was very friendly, especially to me. When the others had gone down to one of the clubs, I lagged behind, and ended up bumping into him as he was on his way home. He invited me down, and my world would never be the same. He had lots of alcohol, and a lot of magazines, and a lot of gay movies (that I’d only ever heard of up until that point). He invited me to stay, but it was not a good time or situation as I was supposed to meet up with everyone and besides, I wasn’t gay. He gave me his phone number, and told me if I were ever in Seattle to give him a call. I thanked him, and held onto it for future reference, just in case.
My girlfriend flew out to California that weekend, and one of her friends gave me a ride back home. That was when I made the mistake of telling him that I thought he was good-looking, and even though nothing came of it, the cat was out of the bag, so to speak. Needless to say, he told her, she told all of her friends, and the word spread that I wasn’t so “straight” after all.
I ended up making a few trips between Olympia and Seattle over the next month or two, and found a whole new group of men to hang out with..however, I was the youngest, only 18 and couldn’t get into the bars yet. I went and stayed with this navy man I’d met for the weekend, and found he was actually safe, and nice, and very generous. He paid my way for everything, gave me things, and took care of any need I had. He basically became my “sugar daddy”. My trips to see him were awkward, as my ex’s friends still lived in the same building..but, I didn’t run into them that often, besides I was already “coming out”, even though I still had no idea exactly what that meant.
On one of my visits, he had also decided to include a third..a former Marine that he’d met a few years before, who was another one of his “boys”. We drank a lot, and I tried things I’d never knew existed..and it all seemed like fun until a drink was spilled, and this Marine thought I’d blamed him for it. Keep in mind, this guy was twice my size, built and mean. He had broken his hand years before in the service and had to have a metal plate fused into his hand. He punched me in the mouth, ripping my lip and mouth open (I still have the scar to remind me to this day); my other friend was furious, and threw me out of his apt. I found myself running half-dressed into downtown Seattle, not knowing what to do or where to turn..i was so far from home, and so far from God.
Shortly after, an all-age nightclub opened up in Olympia, and i'd found a new home. It was the perfect place to be, as i was still bouncing from place to place; and living the alcoholic, nightclub-lifestyle enabled me to find places to stay, and people to share a bed with. Over a period of time, i dated and was in love with a couple of different girls, and really was enjoying being in what felt like a "normal" relationship..the relationships were usually short-lived, though.
I started deejaying, and really began to build a reputation for myself...but when summer ended, so did some of the places to stay, and i found myself back up in Seattle around other gay men i'd met, however, with no real opportunity to stay there, i found myself more often than not sleeping in bushes, or on rocks..or staying up and roaming the streets all night. Olympia was so far away, and there was nowhere to go.
I ended up back in town for awhile, and met up with a girl from school, who promised a place to live, if i were interested in starting a relationship, and so, out of desperation, i agreed. That lasted about a week, and i was facing the street once more, and didn't think i could go through it again.
I made a last-ditch phone call to my mom, and asked if i could move home. She said, with much hesitation, that i could, but that it would be only for the amount of time it took me to enlist in a military branch and ship out. That was a Friday, i moved back into their house the next day, and was in the recruiter's office first thing Monday morning.
The navy accepted me, but i really didn't want to do this, however, i'd agreed that this was the stipulation set upon me and i had no choice. I went through the processing, and entered in late October.It would still be awhile before i shipped out, and i began going to the club on the weekends with friends while staying at my parents' house. It didn't fly too well, but at least i was on my way out.
A month or so before my ship date, my friends and i met a group of straight guys, new to the club, that i started hanging out with. The one i became closest with was the quarterback for their high school's football team, and i was mesmerized..so was he. We started dating, even though my time was growing short; and, i left for basic with his promise to be there when i got back.
Within a few weeks after beginning boot camp, I became completely rebellious and began to resist training, and my few calls with him didn't help, as he really wanted me back. Feeling a million miles away, in love, and totally lost...i reported to my company commander and said that i refused further training, as a number of other new recruits had already done the same..i didn't want to go back to my parents, i just wanted to go home..i still wonder what life would've brought had i stayed in. God only knows.
Even though it was a ploy, i threatened suicide...and my company commander sent me back to my company, saying he'd heard this all before. This was about two or three weeks into training. Another call home, and another threat of suicide..and then, they began my out-processing, which took another three weeks. All this time, i couldn't wait to get back to him, whatever that would entail..don't know what i thought was going to happen once i did; i couldn't really go live with this all-American boy, and his all-American, good Christian family..but i wasn't thinking that far ahead at that point....aaahhh, youth.
I got out, flew back to Seattle...and when my mom got word of what was happening, she let loose. She picked me up from the airport, and we had a long talk that night in a hotel room about where i was in my life, where i was going if i didn't give my life to the Lord, and how i wasn't moving back home if that's what i was planning.
I wasn't.
I had made enough money from my short stay in the military to afford an apartment downtown for a few months, which would be long enough to find work, and give me a place where i could entertain in this new "lifestyle" i had discovered. I think i told her that i was still a Christian, for whatever that was worth, maybe just to satisfy her or get her off my back. I contacted my friend the afternoon that i got my apartment, and he wanted to see me, but not right away. Having left a promising career, and everything else i'd known..i decided to head down to where he lived the next morning. Once in town, i should've known by the way he acted, that something was up. He had started dating a foreign exchange student in my absence, and seemed pretty happy..this would all be much more accepted by everyone in his life, anyways. I was devastated, and the suicidal downward spiral began that day. That would've been a great time to turn the Lord, but i didn't even know where to find Him at that point...i wasn't searching that hard, though, either.
I talked one of the older punk rockers from downtown where i lived into purchasing a bunch of hard alcohol for me, and had also gotten ahold of some pills..i figured i could begin to do myself in, as there wasn't really much point of going on. I had walked away from my family, my church, my God...and had just few enough friends that even knew i was back, that i could easily do myself in, and no one would really have to know until it was too late. Sounded like a good idea at the time.
Slowly but surely, word had spread that the clubkid was back in town from the Navy, and one by one, my friends started contacting me, and wanting to spend time. Without going into alot of detail, some of them knew that things weren't going well, and they made sure that i was surrounded by people most of the time.
I was integrating more and more into the local punk/wave scene, and getting involved with everything that went with it, including harder drugs.
One of my "street-sisters" introduced me to lsd, and i had such a bad trip my first time, you'd think i'd never be stupid enough to do it again. I really thought i was going to die that night, and had even written in red pen on the wall of my apartment "GOD PLEASE HELP ME! SAVE ME! I DON'T WANNA DIE LIKE THIS!"...which served as a reminder (barely) as to what i'd gone through. Within a week or two, i'd done my second trip..and was on the road to "discovery". I started selling lsd for my "sister" to make extra money, and support my own habit.
Around that time, i'd regained my reputation and position in the club, and my circle was beginning to expand, but my money was running short, and i was still entertaining the idea of suicide frequently, as i was content, but not happy.
I was really beginning to fall on some rough times financially, and spiritually as well..obviously, and had decided to seek some counsel from the youth pastor at our church (where my family had attended as i was growing up). I respected this man, and knew him and some of his family pretty well. I had to swallow some pride that day, sitting across his desk from him, surrounded by plush furnishings..and i was actually a little humiliated that my life had come to the point, and that my situation was so hopeless, that i had to fall back on my home church for assistance at all. My intention was never to ask for financial help, but to be able to (for the first and last time ever) get some aid from the church's abundant food bank. As we sat there talking about where my life was heading, and the spiritual foundation that had crumbled to pieces underneath me..my pastor told me that i would be able to take a bag of groceries home with me that day, but before that was able to happen..he felt the need to cast out the demon of homosexuality that he felt was present. Okay. I had no idea what to say, other than agree to let him do it, if he thought that would help. I closed my eyes as he began to pray, and i honestly don't remember what was said or exactly in what order things happened...all i remember is that i sat there confused, discouraged, and utterly ashamed by the things that this man that i'd known for a number of years was saying to me. I really don't think that the entity attached did much more than squirm in its leathery skin that day, as i walked away from the church with my grocery bag in hand..feeling ostracized, not exorcised. It would be some time before i'd step foot again in the building that used to be such a comfortable and safe home for me.
A friend of mine from high school started hanging out with me, and he was just days away from receiving a large portion of money on his 18th birthday due to his dad's death, and i saw the opportunity to hang onto him, and we were friends after all. It became a good, mutual "using" friendship. He got his money, we went on one shopping spree after another, and he started dating one of the local punks, and the three of us became the first "openly out" young gay men in town. His new boyfriend became my closest best friend (and would remain that way for the next 15 years), and we started selling lsd by the sheets through the club, and around town. I didn't need family or God or anyone else at this point, because i had a new "family" of sorts, and the nightclub scene had become my "god".
There was so much pride, and immorality, and drug abuse happening..we were drenched in it. Yet something, or someone, always remained in the back of my mind, telling me that what i was doing just wasn't right..i was raised differently, and i should know better.
That's what prayers sent up from prayer warriors does for the lost..and i was so very lost.
I had, during this time, gotten interested in the occult, and was checking out some pretty dark material from the local library. One book, in particular, i really enjoyed and got into was one that actually had spells that could be used to perform different things. Never one for doing things on my own without pulling in as many people as possible, i began holding seances and gatherings in my apartment with friends from my social circle. Using this one book that i kept checking out, i learned how to cast curses, and summon spirits. On one occasion, in a group of about 9 of us, we had summoned spirits, and there was such a manifestation present among us that day that one of the tiniest, most fragile little girls in our group nearly crushed the hand of a football-playing friend of ours, his hand was bruised beyond belief, and whatever made itself known that day, i believe, never left some of us...at least not for a long time.
i treated the whole thing as a passing trend, and moved onto other things...but had started to get into the style of music known then as "batcave" (the predecessors of today's goth scene), complete with my appearance, music choice, and a darker outlook on things, more "darkly" spiritual..not even realizing what this was all leading to.
It would be later that summer while watching a show about demons and satanism that i would hear the same words we used to chant, the same incantations, used to summon some pretty horrific demons..and it scared me so bad that i remember asking the Lord to forgive me for what i'd done, and to protect me(and those that were present months before) from whatever we'd loosed...i was young, and ignorant, and not even aware of the doors that i'd opened..yet He was there, watching over me, knowing there would eventually come a day when this would be turned around for His glory...
The day of my 20th birthday should have been a great one, as my mom and i were planning on doing lunch and celebrating together, such was not the case. On the way to the restaurant, she asked me a very direct question. She wanted to know if i was gay. I was floored. Not that it was obvious, but even with my dress and demeanor, i was always very "straight-acting" and "masculine"..i used some off-the-wall phrase i'd heard to explain my lifestyle to her, telling her that it's "not a matter of who or how i love, but that i love". Needless to say, she didn't take that for an answer.
We parked, and i told her that yes, i guessed i was gay. She told me that if that were the case, then she didn't want to have anything to do with me from that point on, and she wanted me out of her life. I said the same thing then, and walked through town and began destroying every bit of everything that had anything to do with school, home, family...the enemy must've had a heyday that afternoon.
Within a matter of a month or two, our drug-dealing activities in the club had been discovered by the club's owners, and they proceeded to kick my two best friends and i out of the town's only thriving hotspot. Once again, ostracized, and lost. One of my buddies moved to Seattle, and got heavier into the gay lifestyle, the other went back to his punk friends, and i had nowhere to turn...and still, i know that Jesus was there, with His arms outstretched, just waiting for me to turn to Him. Not yet, i'd figure something out.
With very few people to hang out with or turn to, i decided to contact my dad, and see if i could stay with him for awhile to get things sorted out in my head and life. He said yes, and i went north...but so many years of little or no contact, and the fact that i was pretty extreme, immediately showed that we didn't have much in common. But, i was able to stay with him at his place for a couple of months until i figured something out. He even arranged for me to go and visit my grandparents in eastern Washington, thinking that might help straighten me out a bit..not likely.
About a week or so before i moved from my dad's house, i was alone in the room i was using one afternoon and had tracked down one of his guns. I sat there for the longest time, listening to the same song by tears for fears over and over, and feeling that same downward-spiral again, only this time i was equipped with something that could bring about a sudden, final solution to all the pain i had subjected myself to, and that would be that. i remember holding the loaded gun in my hand, crying out to God or whoever up there would listen, asking why had things gone so terribly wrong? and when was all of this going to end, but i think i had that answer myself. God knew the severity of my condition that day, and the reality of my desperation, because before i could think another thought, my dad pulled up, and i had to scatter like a madman to get my dad's gun back to its hiding place, before he walked in the door.
A couple days later, i hopped a bus heading to Oregon to go stay with some new friends i'd just become penpals with. That lasted about a week or so, and i almost thought i'd gotten a new lease on life as things were looking better there, and then my friend's roommate dropped the bombshell that i could no longer stay with them, and it was back to the streets, this time hundreds of miles away from home. I was about as low as i could get, or so i thought. I borrowed some money from a mutual friend there, and bought myself a bus ticket back to Olympia, once again with the idea of suicide running through my head, i couldn't take much more disappointment, and figured it was time to bring it all to an end.
I stayed in Olympia for just a couple of days and obtained some high-power tranquilizers from someone, and then made my way to Seattle, for what i'd figured would be the last time. Once i was in the city, i tracked down some hard alcohol, and made my way through the back streets of town, and finally found a dark dumpster enclosure behind some building, where i could pretty much just curl up and die. I finished a fifth of whatever it was, and downed the contents of the pill bottle, and sat shivering in the snow, feeling everything take effect, and knowing the next time my eyes opened, they'd be looking at either heaven, or hell..and i was hoping it would be the former, not the latter.
When my eyes opened again, there were tears in them, and i couldn't breathe very easily as there was a tube placed down my throat that was being used to pump the contents of my stomach out in a local emergency room. I'm still, to this day, not 100% sure of how i ended up there. My attempt had failed, and i wouldn't be dying, at least not that night. God had other plans for me, even though i couldn't see it yet at that time. I closed my eyes again, and woke up two days later, strapped to a bed in the mental facility across the street from the main hospital, and that would be my home for the next two months.
It took me a long time to get adjusted to being locked up against my will, and wondering what i'd do after being released, but that was still aways down the road. My mom must have been contacted by the hospital administration concerning the situation, and my whereabouts, as i did get one phone call from her during my stay, asking me what i thought i was doing. I didn't know.
Upon release, i was fortunate enough to get into the state mental health-assistance program, and had my rent taken care of back in Olympia for six months. I started going back to the clubs in Seattle, met back up with my friend who'd moved there the year before, and started doing designer drugs by the handfuls on the weekends. We usually spent each Friday and Saturday night at a club there that was a haven for every kind of sexual sin, lifestyle, and drug you could ever want or possibly imagine. I was dosing multiple hits of MDA (xtc) each night, and was achieving levels of nirvana i'd never dreamed of before..it was clubland in the best sense all over again, and i was in 7th heaven.
This went on for quite some time, until the drug came under close scrutiny by the Seattle city council, and DEA, and in a single night, the club, its dealers (most of whom were close "friends") all came to a roaring end. I spent the next few months over the winter, sleeping in doorways, and stairwells, and an occasional couch or two, until i was invited to come stay in a dorm room at the UW with some friends of mine. Without a place to go, i accepted.
We drank, and drugged every night..and i made more connections through different clubs in the city, and was back on track, or so i thought. I was asked to leave the dorm, and ended up being "wined and dined" by the new club's two biggest drug dealers, one was gay, the other wasn't..one dealt in hallucinogens, and the other in powders, and i had everything i needed again. What i needed was for the Lord to give me a good, swift kick. That would come later.
While in Seattle this time, i moved in with one of the guys, and began a short-lived relationship that was drug-induced, and very, very dark. Our social circle was made up of drug-runners, drug-dealers, and lost "Christian" kids from the outskirts who were getting deeper into the occult everyday. The relationship ended when my friend went home for the weekend, and decided to go "straight", and i ended up sleeping with an ex of his at the same time.
I moved in with some other friends (three girls), that i'd worked with, who were all club-goers and heavily addicted to drugs...from one frying pan straight into another. One of these new roommates was a former prostitute, who was trying to straighten herself out, but whose pimp would randomly show up at the apartment, asking her to work. This stay was short, and after another big explosion in the club..we all went separate ways. I took a room at the local YMCA for about a month, and began selling lsd in the clubs again. Then, i'd save enough to buy up a few sheets of it, and head back to Olympia to sell down there, and had dreams of grandeur as to how i could go back and forth between the two cities, and make a career of selling...how sad.
Before i left for Olympia, i stopped back by my old apartment where i'd lived with the girls, and upon finding the place empty...decided to steal some jewelry to pawn for money for food, but was stopped on the way out by a new "roommate". Once it was figured out as to who had stolen the jewelry, there was a price put on my head..and within days, while waiting up on the main drag with some friends before going to the club, i was approached by the pimp...who in no uncertain terms, told me the next time he saw me would be the last time i saw anything. With that, i skipped the club that night, went back to my room at the Y, grabbed my things, and caught a bus back to Olympia.
I sold lsd in town for a couple of months, and went back and forth reloading up north. On one trip to get some more in town, we had a friend follow us down to another source's apartment downtown, thinking it would save a lot of time and hassle. On the way down, i was sitting on the back of a friend's brand-new elite scooter, and the guy we were buying for was driving a big old boat of a car, cadillac or something like it. We had stopped in the intersection to make a left-hand turn, waiting for an oncoming car to pass, when we were hit from behind by this friend of ours in his car, he never realized we'd come to a stop, and hit us at 30mph. Because of the impact, the scooter and my buddy went further into the intersection, the bike was destroyed. I, on the other hand, flew up in the air, and came down (tailbone first) on the hood, the bumper, and then the pavement...my tailbone was broken, and i could barely stand, let alone walk. That wasn't enough to keep me from going on with business as usual.
God had to be shaking His head at that one, i could've so easily been killed.
The next couple of years were more of the same, drug-dealing, drug-using, couch-tripping and sleeping around with whoever i could. I've asked God to forgive me so many times for the countless faces and names of men(and women) who i've completely forgotten about, and my sexual encounters with each of them. Thank God, i'm forgiven.
Over 400 hits of lsd, dozens upon dozens of mda/xtc hits, and everything else combined..and my life, my mind, and my world had become what i had feared most..empty, confused, and lost.
It was about this time that i had begun hanging out pretty closely with a group of people who i'd met through one of my best friends(who is one of my closest Christian sisters today), who were into the typical party scene..but these six new acquaintances were different than alot of other people i'd closely associated with up to that point. The girls were absolutely beautiful and enchanting, and the guys all had "rockstar" qualities..and i found myself quickly drawn into their exclusive "circle", so much so, that my friend who'd originally introduced us withdrew and wanted nothing to do with them or i for quite some time. Within this group, were a brother and sister who were third-generation wiccan..she a witch, and he a warlock(they never once claimed to be into the lighter side of the practice); one of their best friends was a little older than us, and was heavy into lycanthropy, and would go to the utmost extremes to remind us of that; another was also a follower of both wicca and paganism..and all of them were heavily into vampirism, moreso than anyone i'd ever met. Over the course of a few months, my habits changed..i was drinking more alcohol than i ever had before and was raiding friends' medicine chests and taking whatever i could find in prescription bottles(no matter what it was); i'd begun staying out at night right up until daybreak, usually too wasted and spent to even stand upright. Night after night, this group would trek out to various areas on the outskirts of town and engage in everything from bloodletting to the consumption of each others' blood..and i was right in the middle of it all, taking part and sharing mine with them and vice-versa. The fact that i never contracted anything is truly the Lord's hand on me, even then. As quickly as i'd been accepted in by the group, i left them and returned to spending more time with our mutual friend who'd introduced us all in the first place..those were some very, very dark days.
I continued to walk a dark path, and at times, i even got a kick out of doing things that were blatantly sacrilegious. Throughout this whole time, i never really kept a continuous job, but would usually land the resident dj positions at the local clubs, just enough to get me by, and afford me my habits. I lucked out and got one of only three dj positions at a new club that was opening up, one of the other positions was given to my best friend..we were in seventh heaven. The club had been opened in an old Christian church in town, so it was structurally an awesome place to have a nightclub. The music i was playing was pretty mixed, but i'd already begun gravitating towards heavy and dark, early "goth" dance music..and in my mind, this church was the perfect setting for playing my darker music to a packed house. The third deejay of our crew was a Christian, and would always get really concerned and freaked out when i'd step up to play, as he knew my taste in music..most nights, he would step out of the building altogether when i was spinning my set..and my friend and i would laugh at him, mocking him and his views. I'd forgotten that at one point in my life, they were the same views that i'd held. Was i really that far away from God that i found nothing wrong with doing what i was doing?
In 1990, i landed my first legitimate, long-lasting job through my best friend. Him and i were inseparable and had been for a few years at this point, whatever he had, i had...and vice-versa, drugs and all.
I had already been snorting crystal meth for about 3 years at this point, but had never allowed myself to get into other methods of usage. My friend and his boyfriend and i moved into an apartment together, and when it came time to get high..they would go into their room, and shoot theirs. I was content with my method, for the time being, as that still scared me, and held no fascination. That all changed.
Within 3 months of my hiring, i figured if my new employers were gonna let me go they'd do it at that time, as i'd never really held a position for more than 3 mos. ever, they didn't. So, i used that as my justification for stepping over the line, and even though my friend wasn't wanting to get me "hooked" by i.v. usage (knowing what an addictive personality i had), i talked them into letting me shoot up for the first time...that was it, one time and i was definitely hooked.
They had business out of town that weekend, but had been kind enough to set me up with my first kit, so i could do it myself while they were gone. I was nervous, excited, scared, and anxious. I must've walked around our apartment for the better part of 30 minutes with the drugs waiting in the spoon, and my arm tied off..pondering what would happen if i messed up, would they come back and find me dead? would i go to heaven, or to hell, if i did die? Unfortunately, that wasn't enough to stop me from doing it, and i wouldn't stop for another six years, even the times when i'd end up giving myself cotton fever, wishing i could or would die. Six long years with a needle hanging out of my arm, and thinking that nobody knew..and actually, not really thinking that anyone would care if they did.
I somehow managed to hang onto that job, and am still amazed at how that was possible, but i did.
Within the next couple years, a new club opened up in town that was to become the pioneering "gay/gay-friendly" venue. Once again, i'd become a part of yet another club "family", and started to get into some heavy New Age beliefs, which all went right along with my substance abuse. I fooled myself into thinking that this was the best path to find God again.
I ran into someone from my past in the downtown area one day, someone who i'd met almost a decade earlier..i'd been his summer camp counselor one year, and we began a new phase of a friendship that would last up to this present day. Our paths would be almost parallel, hovering between a Christian walk and our struggle with the gay lifestyle..over the years, i would introduce him to scenes and drugs he would've never imagined..often putting him in situations that i've since asked his forgiveness for; yet at the time, we were right by each other's sides through all of the glamour and debauchery..two lost sheep trying to help each other find our way out and back to something that resembled decency and normalcy.
Around that time, a local business owner's wife had opened up their home on Sundays to a bunch of us "street/club kid" types for bible studies, and the Lord started moving in some incredible ways. Each week, new faces would show up for these laidback sessions, that involved bible studies, prayer, accountability with others, and good food. For a brief time, i stopped what i was doing in the clubs, and with the drugs, and tried to give my faith another shot. I tried, and failed. God is so incredibly patient.
I began hanging out with an old friend of mine and her new boyfriend, and the three of us became inseparable..even though he was about 8 years younger than her and i, he and i bonded so intensely that within no time at all we considered each other "brothers"..his world and mine were almost at opposite ends of the spectrum. He'd been abandoned and abused as a child, and spent the majority of his life in the foster care system, bouncing from one family to the next; eventually ended up in a boys' home(where he was beaten and sexually abused), and ended up getting involved with the crip gang based in tacoma, and was still somewhat active in it when he began dating my friend, and when we met as well. He was completely supportive of my gay lifestyle, and we grew even closer friends because of that.
"You can lead a horse to water..." is how i feel about the drug aspect of our friendship. Because i was as deep into my iv habit as i was, it was no time at all before i'd gotten him deep into it; i still regret the fact that i ever introduced him to iv usage(as it would eventually be his downfall). We were doing incredible amounts of meth together, and we rarely didn't share a needle. Our friendship grew stronger, withstood many obstacles(even their breakup), and we remained bound at the hip even after he was arrested and jailed for domestic abuse. I was one of the only ones that would visit him regularly, as all of his friends one-by-one slipped away from him.
During his jail stretch, which lasted about 18 months, a lawsuit had begun on behalf of the abused boys at the boys' home he had resided at years before. He was the first of 14 young men to receive astronomical amounts of money in a ground-breaking class-action lawsuit against the local entities that ran the facility. With his incarceration, he needed someone dependable to accept the money and maintain it in a bank account until he was released..i was that person. He would tell me so often to make sure that i was taken care of, to use "our" money to live, and use it for whatever i needed, as well as taking care of things for him..which i did. One of the worst things a person with a major drug habit needs at their disposal is a humongous amount of money in their bank account, joint or not.
He wanted me there for him, and i was..as he was my "brother", and i'd truly come to love him as one..and whatever i needed, he supplied.
I began buying 3-4 times the usual amount of speed for my habit as usual, as i'd finally hit that level of addiction where i was borderline dying from the unnecessary amounts of meth that i was shooting several times a day. It was a death wish without being suicidal. Somehow, he caught on..and during a visit, he told me he never wanted to use again, and he never wanted me to, either..and he wanted us to make a pact that we would both remain clean..i said yes, but didn't..i couldn't, not yet.
It was within this period, that i began spending time with a new friend who was already a few years into being diagnosed as having full-blown AIDS, not just hiv...but to such an evolved state of the disease that the symptoms were obvious. I think i'd given up enough hope at that point in my life, and completely forgotten about God, that nothing mattered at all anymore. After enough encounters together, he finally sobered up enough to get serious with me one night and warn me that if i kept it up(whether it was with him or anyone else), that i would definitely contract the disease..and he just couldn't be held responsible for doing that to someone else..i still wanted to be together, as we were both always so high that nothing else really ever factored in. That was the last i ever saw of him.
The only way i never contracted AIDS was completely the Lord's hand in the situation..there is no other explanation for how i could've escaped what ended up claiming not only his life a year or so later, but the lives of some of his former partners..and yet, the Lord had my life clutched so tightly in His hand that i was miraculously spared the same fate that fell on them.
Once again came a short stint of faith, very short. A number of my Christian friends and i had decided to be baptized; and things felt like they were straightening out in my life, but i still wasn't completely giving my life totally to God, so much as giving Him lip service, and "identifying" myself as a "Christian".
Needless to say, it wasn't anytime at all, and i was right back to where i was before, shooting meth, and getting heavier into New Age ideals, and associating with people whose spiritual journeys were parallel to mine, even though i fooled myself into thinking that my path was different from theirs.
Shortly after the baptismal, my employers had decided it was time that they would invest in me as an employee who was basically under-management and spend the money to send me to an out-of-town three-day "seminar" of sorts. This seminar was run by an enigmatic Canadian-based "new age"-style organization that offered a series of courses of self-discovery, and mastery. Basically, the managers that had gone through the courses prior to my induction were always very passionate when they spoke about the series, yet were very secretive about the organization and its members. I spent the next three days in seattle attending the course with about 200 other people, in complete isolation from friends, and any outside contacts(other than the other participants in the "seminar"). Each day was a full day of challenging, uncomfortable, mind-opening "games" and "rituals"...by the time the third day, called the evening of "graduation", rolled around..i was emotionally, and spiritually raw. Over the course of the three days, the instructors had deconstructed our prior belief systems and ideals ..and had instilled their own way of "thinking" and life approach. Many people in the group, including myself, were visibly shaken, in tears, and very emotionally disturbed by the end of the last day's events. This organization was so well set up that there was an entire "process" in which former "graduates" were in attendance at the end of the series to help "mentor" us back into the real world and back to our regular schedules. Upon graduation, we were also each assigned accountability contacts, and it was highly recommended to continue through the remaining courses offered, as well as going back through the introductory course(at no charge)..however, i was so disturbed by what had transpired over the three days away that i never took my employers up on the offer again, even though it was frequently brought up from time to time that i return to participate again. I've recently looked online to see whether or not the company was still in existence, and it is...having grown even more influential among corporation executives, business owners, and various individuals..and their courses have expanded into even darker mastery courses.
I'm so glad that that was the one and only real contact that i had with this group.
I was experimenting with alot of ecstasy(again), doing multiple doses, and missing alot of work at that point..just drifting in and out of days, having created an alternate reality of sorts, and still thinking it was alright, and that i was alright..making those comparisons between my "Christian walk" and the New Age religion i was quickly growing into, and thinking i could meld the two, without consequences..spiritually or otherwise. My mind and my days were getting darker again, and that downward spiral was beginning to once again overtake me.
On our way out to the club one night, reeling in intoxication, bouncing off the walls of the apartment building's hallways..i literally stumbled across a beautiful new face i hadn't seen before, and our eyes met and locked. Our two respective parties greeted and passed each other, and i left it at that as there was clubbing to do. An hour or so later, once we'd already been in the club for awhile..i'm approached on the dance floor by this unbelievable man, who was showing more than a passing interest in me..and i was completely into him as well. I didn't know where he was from, who he was, but he was transfixed on me, and vice-versa. Before his party and him left for the night, he made one final move on me in front of our entire group of frenz. Needless to say, as lost and lonely as i was at that time, i was ready to be swept away by whatever came next..and it was, unfortunately, him.
We began dating, and were inseparable..and he turned heads of both sexes, wherever we went..which gave me a false sense of "pride", and a mean jealousy streak, to boot. As we grew closer, he shared with me his beliefs and practices of shamanism, and told me of his mountain retreats where he would get away and become one with many things..i was intrigued, and began asking lots of questions and looking into the different aspects of this "new religion". Come to find out, too, he was also even heavier into satanism, and was already a very devout follower of the black arts..and he was pulling me right in along with him. Whatever he wanted, i did..and i always thought i was more of a leader than that. Amazing.
My only experiences in bd and s&m were shared with and introduced by him. For a couple of months, i honestly thought i'd died and gone to heaven..thankfully, because God (for whatever reason) was still there, patient and merciful as ever..i managed to stay alive, and come out of that relationship with some part of my former self still intact. this particular experience still brings to mind, though, the verse in 1 Corinthians 6:16...
"do you not know that he who unites himself with a prostitute is one with her in body? for it is said, the two of them will become one flesh."
This still breaks my heart..i know i'm forgiven of my sins, and what is in the past He has forgotten and forgiven, but when i think (so i try not to) about the dozens and dozens of sexual encounters and partners i've had, it makes me sick, and literally makes my heart heavy. I'll never be able to take it back, never be able to undo what i did..but, because He's forgiven me, i've asked His forgiveness, repented of it all, and tried to forgive myself in the process. sadly enough, there are still dozens of faces, names, and situations i've completely forgotten or blocked out, and when those come rushing back, its all too much sometimes.
I still kept this guy in my life up until the night of my retirement dj gig, too..for some reason, we kept gravitating back in and out of each others lives..i remember going out to his apartment one time; his wife and her entire family were members of the ramtha cult, and they had a little girl together. what stood out in my mind the most during my visit to their place was the massive black pentagram that adorned the wall of their dining room..where they ate, and socialized as a family...where they taught their daughter how to feed herself, there on the wall was the symbol of ultimate darkness, and pure evil..i still pray for their daughter, and for him as well...among all of the others from my past. i know i thought to myself "what am i doing here? why am i so closely associated with people whose lives are so blatantly dark? what business do i have here letting myself getting tangled up in these peoples' lives?"..if i'd ever made a stand in my faith in those days, i would've never been allowed to be a part of their lives..they would never have tolerated me..as it was, i wasn't anywhere close to being the man that God had intended for me to be..not at that point anyway.
I still remember yet another night when i felt on top of the world, and almost had that feeling of immortality, and in full defiance of God..a group of frenz and i had left the club to go smoke a bowl of marijuana, and went on the rooftop of a nearby building where some of the local artists lived..while standing there amongst this circle of frenz, partaking of the pipe..i walked out towards the edge of the roof, looking off into the black summertime sky, feeling as though nothing could shake my world, everything was perfect, and the stars were aligning just for me..i went back and joined the group, took a hit, and blacked out. one minute, i'm standing and talking with these people, among them a warlock, and a neo-pagan...the next minute, their voices seemed miles away, and i had sensations of hot and cold running simultaneously through my head..i was told that had i not fallen into a fetus position when my body fell into the drain that ran the length of the rooftop, that because of the impact of my head hitting the side of the building, i could have easily snapped my neck..once again, God was trying to give me a wake-up call, and i didn't even realize how much i really needed Him at that point...i had sustained some serious head injuries that night, and was kept awake the duration of the evening to assure that i wouldn't slip into an endless sleep. i'm so thankful that He knew there was a greater purpose for my life, even if i didn't see it...
All this time had passed, and my "brother" finally got out of jail. We decided to share a place, which was only a temporary thing as i really was trying to clean myself up from my iv addiction, and succeeding pretty well..but, because of the money he had acquired while incarcerated, it afforded him everything he ever wanted or dreamed of, and the pact we had made(well he made) completely dissolved and he began using and shooting again almost immediately..and i couldn't handle being around that, and so i began to distance myself from him more and more, eventually moving out.
One of my new roommates had gotten into some real metaphysical things, and had started "fire-walking", and was closely associated with the "school of enlightenment", j.z. knight's ramtha cult on the outskirts of town. I finally kicked my i.v. habit with a change in social circle, and then through a new relationship, substituted that one with a crack habit..I lost my job, and took a new one, and at least had the experience and determination to continue in that direction, even though the road ahead was still full of obstacles.
I somehow managed, through the club, to become one of the city's gay "title-holders" for a year's time, and during that stint would have the chance to sit in on statewide "equality" councils, and was asked to emcee that year's "gay pride" event in our town, which i did..how disappointed the Lord must have been in me at that point, publicly declaring my sexuality in a manner that was and is detestable..raising the morale and fervor of the local glbt community at the rally that was held in the town square. Lord, forgive me for what i did.
I was introduced to crack one night, hanging out with a new group of friends..the girl was somebody i'd met a few years earlier at one of the local bars, sweet thing;) she used to stand on the side of the dancefloor watching my friends and i dance, and eventually got up the nerve to ask me if i'd dance with her one night..i said yes. Oddly enough, we'd never met..but we had a history with each other already..her older sister had been one of my mom's frenz years before, and one of my mom's best frenz had been married to her dad at one point in time. We didn't spend much time together then, but would eventually become very close in the years to come..It was at her house that i smoked crack for the first time, and it was there that she introduced me to a guy that would end up being an off and on again dysfunctional relationship for 3 years..he and i would find ourselves in some pretty scary places and situations during the course of our time together..coming close to being arrested, ending up in very messed-up scenarios. Once he and i parted ways and even before that, her and i became very close..and we would've gotten married, had it not been for the fact that i was still not sure of what i wanted, and had she not been the type of woman that couldn't be alone for very long. I'll never forget the day that her 13 year-old son, whom i loved very much, asked if i was going to be his new dad(his dad had left when he was born, and was absent all of his life), and i told him that his mom and i would have to talk..its like it was yesterday, even though it was almost 10 years ago. Her and i ended up going separate ways eventually, but stayed in contact..her son ended up really straightening out his life, and became an outstanding young man. He worked in job corps, and did really well in firefighting, and decided to enlist in the army. He was in for not quite a year when his unit in iraq went over an ied, and he couldn't escape from the driver's seat of his vehicle in time...he died serving his country in may of 2007. I miss him so much.
The next year, while drinking and driving, and too coked up to mention, I had gotten pulled over with a large amount of marijuana in the car, and was arrested. This was all the beginning of some change in a better direction, to a degree.
I cleaned up from drugs and alcohol for the first time in over 12 years, and even though i'd been mandated to begin rehabilitation(probation had already begun), i was still dragging my feet for some reason...taking it up to the very last minute. On a sunday morning in February of that year, i received a phone call from my "brother"'s ex (my old friend) informing that he had been shooting up the night before, and while hanging out with a group of his friends, had decided to participate in a game of "russian roulette"..he held the gun to his head, pulled the trigger, and the bullet lodged itself in his head..he was gone. That could've been me; that should've been me..i was the one who introduced him to needles, and it should've been me that pulled that trigger. The next morning i enrolled in rehab, and one of the hardest challenges for me to overcome was the guilt of having been the one to turn him onto needles. After sharing my drug history with our group(bringing everyone to tears), my counselor told me "you can lead a horse to water, but you cannot make him drink it."
I started attending church services with that same group of friends i'd been baptized with years before. Everyone else seemed to be walking pretty well in their faith, and i felt like i was playing "catch-up". I did pretty well for awhile, and felt pretty in tune with God and my circle of Christian friends, but i was still holding on to too many things from my past, even if it was deep inside. God knew the sincerity of my heart, or the lack of it for that matter.
My mom, who had moved out to New York back in 1988, had decided to move back here to be closer to me, and family...and for awhile we tried to repair our relationship, and it was better..but still somewhat strained.
I was very into going to church, and reading my bible, but still wasn't grasping things completely, and still hadn't fully given Him everything. I still held onto my reputation, my mental/spiritual luggage, and alot of other things.
After over a year of probation and rehab, i slipped back into using again..at one point, i even made a re-connection with my ex and began smoking crack with him again, and finding ourselves in some even worse situations than the first time..sad, really, how much we'll put ourselves through and how low we'll allow ourselves to get all in the name of getting high, having sex, and feeling that "false" sense of belonging and purpose. Our crack ventures were relatively short-lived, and not long after, this ex of mine pretty much disappeared out of my life altogether.
A couple of years passed, and i wasn't pursuing my walk with the Lord, or anything else for that matter. I was smoking about an 1/8 of marijuana a day, and still looking for something to make me feel better about things...and still, He waited, arms outstretched..if i'd only reached out to Him at that point.
I started seeing somebody i'd met through another partner of mine, and i didn't realize or care at the beginning of the relationship how much of a ride i'd be taken for. Again, i was so lost and looking for acceptance and fulfillment, that i was seeking it through the most destructive methods. There was a pretty significant age difference between him and i, and he was basically a young street hustler. But, he showed me attention, and that's all that mattered. He called me one day while i was working and said he wanted to come live with me...well, that wasn't going to work, so i put us up in a hotel for a couple of weeks, and tried to figure out somewhere and some way that we could be together..he was desperate and so was i. He looked in my eyes when i went to pick him up that afternoon, and told me he only wanted to be with me...i was lost, and thought i'd been found...how pathetic. My world started to revolve around him and him alone, and every time we'd get into an argument or disagreement and i'd begin to back off, he'd find a way to reel me back in. An old girlfriend of mine offered to put us up at a resort that her parents had owned for years, that would give him/us our own place to be, and he would end up working on the park in exchange for room and board..it became a kind of deviant neverland, and what we experienced was basically the better part of a year together being lost boys, literally. Once again, i had forsaken family and friends for my own selfish purposes, and had no one else but myself to thank, or blame. After 8 months of being involved in a completely dysfunctional relationship, i went back and tried to mend things between my mom and i..the distance was indescribable. The trust between us was gone, and i was still searching for something else. I was looking for something to fill that void that deep down inside i knew only Jesus could fill. But, i kept Him at arms-length, because i still wasn't ready.
Have i mentioned yet how patient our Lord is?
Within a few months, i'd been given the opportunity to buy the business that i had managed for the past few years, and after some thought, said yes. I was so full of pride, and had great ambitions, and didn't need anyone but me. I felt like the world was within my grasp, and i began abusing the opportunity that God had given me. I was beginning to enter a new level of immorality, one that only money could buy(literally). This whole business was about me, how it would benefit me, how it would further my needs, my desires, my addictions, my decadent lifestyle.I was becoming the kind of disgusting, self-absorbed, self-serving person that i would normally never want to be..i was able to afford the things i wanted to, i was able to use the money to get the things and people and experiences that i wanted(that i thought would fill the void that my sin had created)..i basically felt as though i could do anything i wanted, and nothing and nobody could do or say anything to keep me from achieving my sinful goals...I was so wrong.
Within a month after beginning to buy the business, i was doing some shopping on my way home one day, and as i walked back into the parking lot of the store towards my car, i had a first-time grand mal seizure, the worst and most violent of all the known seizures. i went down in the parking lot, and woke up 6 hours later in the emergency room. I had seizured so violently and intensely that it took me almost a full week to completely be able to move, walk and function again without being in excruciating pain; my memory was tapped(not as though it was in the best shape to begin with), and i could barely relay to others what i was trying to say for almost three weeks. This would be a good time to seek the Lord, to admit and confess my sins, and give my life back to Him...and i thought about it..but didn't do anything about it. I wondered for the longest time what would've happened if i'd never opened my eyes again, and even that wasn't enough to get me to change my ways.
Another year goes by, i sell my business back, and get hired by an old friend of mine from way back to come and manage her business for her. I accept, as i thought the timing was too incredible not too, i think i used the term "supernatural". I didn't realize at the time just how dead-on i was by saying that.
Her and i had known each other since my club days back in the mid-80s, and had always kept in touch and remained friends. However, i never knew she had pursued her spiritual interests to the degree that she had until after i began working for her. She had become a reverend in the wiccan religion, and is into some very dark things, and i still figured i would be ok with our lives intertwining, and come out ok.
She is very much for anyone pursuing a spiritual quest as long as its not Christianity. Circumstances changed, and i moved in with her and her two kids, and things were rocky, but we always worked them out. I was still smoking alot of pot, and still living the lifestyle.
Shortly after moving in with her, i made my first steps into the cyberworld, and discovered the social networks of myspace, as well as some gay dating sites.
Completely new to this whole world before me, and only ever randomly hearing of some of the bad things that existed on the internet, i was pretty naive to this brand new "toy"..and became quickly addicted to the idea of meeting up with new people, but initially it was solely for the prospects of dating, and setting up hook-ups, or encounters...and the internet provided everything(and more) that i ever hoped or expected, sadly enough. i met several people through it..and i was snared, literally.
Almost right off the bat, i met a guy in the military who was everything i thought i could ever want or need, and he said the same of me. We began what was to be a year-long relationship, with a visit, a couple of telephone calls, and hundreds of emails back n forth. He was pulling extensive duty in iraq, and because of his high-ranking, more secretive (special op)position..he kept getting called back over. he wanted to be with me, and vice-versa..and plans were being made for serious time together when he got back from his tour in october of '06.
He was a week and a half away from coming home, when he was killed in the line of duty. After a month of settling up his affairs, and trying to reach me..i received a message from his dad one night while i was at work. It was the closest thing to having the military knock on yer door with a folded flag to bear the bad news. He told me how sorry he was to let me know his son had been killed shortly before coming home, and how much i meant to him, and how badly he wanted me to meet his family. My world went into a tailspin that i didn't come out of for over five months..i lost the one true love, or so i thought, that i would ever have..when all along, it was my first love, my Saviour, that was the one that i needed the most.
All this time, i kept looking for someone, anyone, to fulfill that empty feeling inside, and the only one that i ever needed had given His life for me two thousand years before, and it was starting to sink in that that's what i was searching for all this time.
I'd managed throughout the years of all of these encounters and sexual escapades to escape a number of close calls with hiv scares, and every other std that is out there..never having contracted anything(and that's only thanks to God). One of the last people i met online was someone who i would end up spending quite a bit of time with for the next year or so..and after our second or third tryst, i received a visit from him at work one day. he had been advised by the local health department to contact any of his recent partners, and he felt the need to tell me in person that he had passed a disease onto me(the disease if left untreated can cause dementia and then death),and i needed to go get it checked out. After all of those close calls, and now this..and sure enough, i was diagnosed with the disease, and treated. We parted ways sometime after. This was all more than i could handle, it was time to get serious about my life, and even more serious about my walk with the Lord, if that was even still a possibility after all of this time...amazing how He loves us so much that He wants to reconcile us to Himself, no matter how badly we've messed things up.
The Lord started speaking to my heart in April of 2007, and i decided i needed to re-dedicate my life to Him, and i knew it was what i'd needed to do for a long time.
Even when i did, i still had to hide it from my roommate/employer, as i was so concerned i'd be fired, or ostracized, or whatever, and i've just had that so much in my life, i didn't wanna go through it all again. She is all for people seeking a spiritual connection or embarking on any spiritual journey they so choose, as long as its not of the Lord...very adamant about how horrible Christians are, and has time and again done her best to belittle and destroy the faith, ideas, and reputations of His followers.
He had other plans for me, thankfully.
After having done the club thing and deejaying off and on for the past 23 years, i finally decided (keeping my true reasons and intentions to myself and my God) to bring my nightclub dj career to an end the night before my birthday in june. i figured there wasn't a better way to call it a day than to bring it all to a close the night before my b-day, and i hoped that people would understand. there were so many questions, and so much resistance..barely anyone i told was supportive of me wanting to quit, but i did just that..and surrendered my career and my ego to the Lord. i was done with the immorality and the "pride" that went along hand-in-hand with that career. Even with that, there was still one major thing that had to happen..i didn't know it was still to come, but He did...
The final gig of my career, my last night of deejaying, i was saying some pretty messed up things and bragging or boasting of how i was gonna get some action from an ex of mine that night. God had other plans...i blacked out at the end of my gig, and woke up the next a.m. at home, none of my boasts, brags, or plans ever even came to be...thank God.it was pretty sobering, and there's no doubt in my mind that it was yet another one of God's ways of letting me know who was in control
I was still fence-sitting in my faith, but things kept tugging at me harder, more than usual. Still i kept Him at arms-length. In late july, my roommate took her kids on a week vacation, and i kept an eye on the house in their absence. That Friday, i'd run across my ex of 8 months, and we decided we were going to spend the weekend together, and i never heard back from him after that day. I was lonely, sexually frustrated, and looking for something to do. I had been cruising around town that Sunday, and ended up meeting some random guy walking down the road. He asked if i "partied" and initially i said no, as i knew what he was talking about, and at this point i hadn't touched meth or shot up in about 12 years. That all changed.
Shoulda, woulda, coulda done things so much differently, but i didn't. I know now that God had to use this situation to rock my world to its core, and get me to wake up before it was too late. I brought him back to our house, and over the course of the day, ended up shooting meth with him, and engaged in sexual activities, and decided to stop with enough time to come down before going to work the next day. i didn't know it, but he had used the overnight hours to scout out the house, and scoped out to see where things were, who knows how long it took him.
I woke him up the next morning, and dropped him off downtown on my way to work, gave him busfare, and said goodbye. Sometime later that morning, he made his way back up to the house and robbed us of quite a few things, including the marijuana that my roommate had been selling, some of the cash from those sales, and her car. I reported this after talking to her the next day, as i was still freaking out, and wasn't sure of where she had her things stashed. Then it was her turn to freak out, and she did, understandably. She blamed me, saying that i took the car, and everything else (however no mention of drugs to the attending sheriff). The sheriff asked if i'd be willing to take a lie detector test, and i agreed without hesitation, as i was innocent of her accusations. She asked me to move out, fired me from my job, and began one of the worst smear campaigns imaginable, and completely destroyed my reputation.
Our staff came to her defense, and said awful things, all with no proof..and initially, i had a real hard time with this. But God told me to pray for and bless my enemies, and that's what i've done every day since.
God took a situation that the enemy meant for evil, and turned it around to completely glorify Himself!
In one day, i had lost 99% of my social circle(everyone that i knew and had thought were true friends), my place to live, my job..everything was gone. God needed to clean my slate, so to speak, to begin working in me the way that He wanted and needed to..without anything from my past holding me back..thank you, Lord;)
The day after being let go, while staying at a friends' house, i finally couldn't take it anymore...i fell on my knees in front of the Lord, and spent the next several hours weeping, and asking for His forgiveness, and FINALLY, after all of these years, i finally repented! All those times i thought i'd given my life to the Lord before, i had never truly repented. I had asked forgiveness, but never completely turned away from my sins..i always hung onto them, and ended up going back to them every single time. But, that day in her living room, with tears streaming, and my heart broken, and in such need of healing and understanding...i FINALLY gave Him my everything, as i had nothing left in my world to hold me back anymore. In one day, i had lost my place to live, my job, and 99 % of my social circle...it took losing absolutely everything to gain the only thing that mattered, which was a true relationship with the One who was there all along. I asked Jesus back into my heart, surrendered my drug habits, my sexuality, my reputation, my past, and everything that went with all of it...my life!
For the first time in my life, i have known true peace and known what it feels like to have a real relationship with the Lord..i never knew what that was like before. He never spoke to me before as He does now since giving Him my life. There is finally hope, i know His voice, and i seek His will in my life every day, as i messed it up for so long outside of His grace and love. I have such a burden on my heart to reach out to those that are still lost, still struggling in their lifestyles, and all i want to do is live for Him. I never felt that way before. I thank Him daily for His deliverance out of that darkness, that lifestyle..and for the blessings He bestows on me very day.
It came out and was discovered that i wasn't the one responsible for the theft, but in a lot of people's eyes, the damage was already done. Now, the friends who turned their backs on me when they thought this was the case, have kept them turned because they know i'm truly following the Lord, and am no longer a passive "closet" Christian. It's about time i make a stand in my life for Him, as He waited so very long for me, yet all this time He was waiting, arms outstretched, for me to just accept His gift and sacrifice, and to give Him what i had to give, which is my life, my all.
That week that was spent at my friends' house was one of some major ground-breaking decisions and choices, the choice to let the Lord have complete control of my life and my situations, and the decision to follow Him wherever it was that He wanted or needed me to go...i didn't know what was going to happen from one day to the next..and initially, after talking with one of my best friends, i thought that seattle would be my destination. i could move up there, i was told, and take some time to find the "right" job, get involved in my friend's church, and make a new start...with everything that the prior week had held, it seemed like the path that God would want me to take. Besides that, my buddy had said that even knowing that i was broke and without work, that he was completely willing to take me on and even help me out until i got on my feet..what more could i ask for? It had to be from God.
The one factor playing against me at that point was that there was going to be some time needed for this Christian friend to find an apartment for both of us and get somewhat established, and then have me move up..roughly, a month and a half..at that point, it seemed like forever as i really didn't know how long i could continue staying where i was, but i figured the Lord would provide, no matter what...now, it would just be a matter of killing some time, and getting things straightened out the best i could before heading north..
I could've stayed at the place where i was, but my friend who'd offered it up was in a state of turmoil and transition herself, and between detoxing and the lack of any real companionship, the days that i spent there were beginning to kind of drift in and out of each other..but i knew the Lord was right there with me even still.
The woman that had opened up her house almost twenty years prior for bible studies had around that time reminded me that if i needed to leave town and stay with her and her husband, that the door was open to me...after a couple of days, i decided to make a call to her to see if the offer still stood..it did.
I weeded through everything that i owned at that point, which still wasn't much, and began filtering out what was absolutely necessary and what was disposable as far as clothing and toiletries were concerned..leaving a large portion behind to be hauled off to the dump. I had to think of what was the most important of my things that i would need, as i still wasn't completely sure of what was taking place..there again, i knew the Lord had a plan, even if i didn't know what it was at this point..and besides, seattle was just a little over a month or so away from being a reality.
I was full of angst, desperation, and confusion as we traveled the hour-long trip between my hometown and what would be my new "refuge" for the next few weeks..but i tried to focus on what God had already done in my life in the past few days, and thanked Him for protecting me up to this point.
Arriving at our friend's house, i finally began to experience some peace about the whole situation, and was really trying to be as positive about things as i could possibly be..but i kept going back and forth for the next few days, from being upbeat and thankful to concerned and extremely anxious about what was happening..i just needed to give it to Him, and let Him take control of the whole thing..and that would come in time.
I was able to make myself useful almost immediately doing gardening and landscaping to earn my keep, basically room and board..and the feeling of freedom from the dark bondage i'd been so trapped by for so long was at times overwhelming, but definitely in a good way. I really did feel as though the Lord had given me a new lease on life, and i was very thankful, and humbled.
It was going on late summer at this point in time, and the outside work was good for my soul and for just being hands-on with God's creation and in a constant state of communion with Him..this was truly what i needed to get and keep my mind off of whatever was happening back in my hometown that i'd left behind.
At times, especially at night or when i'd have some alone time, i almost found myself longing for the company of some of my old friends who'd abandoned me, and when i'd get low enough is when the Lord would remind me that even though i'd lost everyone of them, that i had been blessed with so many other things to take their place and remind me of just how much He loved me.
As i mentioned earlier, when i originally created my online profiles..they were primarily being used for dating and setting up sexual encounters..this had to change and change now! My main profile on one of the internet's premiere social networks had collected over 400 friends, mostly gay men(many of which i'd met and been with already)..and the profile itself was drenched with horrible images of a sexual and deviant nature; as well as comments that still remained from past friends that held no regard for anything holy whatsoever..in a matter of a half an hour, i had removed all but less than ten of my friends and wiped the slate clean, in a manner of speaking.
Now, it would be a matter of starting over from square one and begin creating a profile that represented the new creation that the Lord had made in me..talk about hard, and not even knowing where to begin. A couple of my Christian friends had actually removed themselves from my list prior to this as they didn't want to have to explain the association to their friends..i completely understand, and am actually somewhat thankful for that as it was an eye-opener that i needed as to the depths that i'd sunken to in my lifestyle that i had grown so accustomed to and that i was so comfortable with, all the while still identifying myself as a Christian.
Slowly but surely, i began to look into new Christian friends and contacts and was very glad to know that i could start over fresh with a whole new outlook and life, thanks only to Him, and actually have fellowship and friendship with people who actually had integrity..and was starting to feel much better about things at this point.
My money was all but gone, and it was time to consider unemployment..i knew this wasn't going to be easy as my former roommate/employer would probably fight me tooth-and-nail over it, or even worse, come after me..but i had income to take into consideration, and after much prayer and asking God's favor in the situation, i proceeded to apply for it. I figured He knew my needs, and He knew my heart(as well as my innocence), and if it was in His will..then i would be able to draw unemployment long enough to keep me afloat while i prepared for my move up north, which was getting closer with each passing day.
I was as nervous and as anxious as could be when the four-week waiting/ processing period was over, and it came time to be interviewed by the unemployment insurance representative that would make the determination on whether or not i would be eligible for benefits..there again, i had to leave it in the Lord's hands, as it was all too much for me to deal with or concern myself over.
The morning of the interview, i prayed before making the phone call..asking that the Lord would grant me favor if it was in His will. The interview did not go well at all from my perspective. I sat and had to listen to the lies and accusations that my friend had fabricated in her response letter to the unemployment department. She had revealed the details of what had transpired, but had also flat-out lied about some of the things that were included in her statement..i sat there on the phone, feeling my hopes deflate and knowing that nothing good could come out of this..after several minutes of the testimony and my responses to it, the woman i was speaking with told me that she would make her decision, and that i could contact the department the next day to see what the outcome was..i thanked her, hung up the phone, and cried.
I sat there on the floor of the bedroom, broken and trying hard not to let it get to me..and i closed my eyes and prayed, and thanked the Lord for having my life and situation in His hands..regardless of whatever the outcome would be, i was His and that was all that mattered. Needless to say, the next twenty-four hours crawled by..
The next morning, i waited until the time that had been given before i picked up the phone to hear what i was sure wasn't going to be good news. When i reached an operator on the other end, my heart started to race as she pulled up my account information on the computer..and in the usual monotone voice so often associated with people in that particular field, she informed me that a check in a very decent amount had been issued the afternoon before, and that my benefits would begin as of that day.
What?!?!?
This isn't what i was expecting to hear at all..i asked her what she said, and she repeated it verbatim..and i honestly shouted "Praise the Lord" into the receiver at the top of my lungs! She asked what i had said, and i explained to her that i had just thanked the Lord for blessing me with the benefits! She seemed amused, and told me to have a good day..and i replied to her the same!
The Lord had given me favor with the woman who interviewed me, even in spite of the fact that the horrible statement she had to read to me would have not been favorable to anyone under any circumstances..yet He allowed me to receive the benefits just the same! What an absolute miracle and answer to prayer!
This would be what i needed to help cushion the financial crunch with my move to seattle, and i thanked the Lord constantly...i still do to this day.
i am a sinner, saved only by His grace. i am so far from being able to walk on water without sinking to the bottom..but He loves me enough to save me by His grace.
God loves them as much as He does you or i..Jesus came and died and rose again for them as much as He did for you and i..
God doesn't like what they do, as far the kind of life that they live(nor does He like what thieves, liars, and murderers do)..but they are just as able to be delivered from that life, and saved and be heaven-bound as any of the rest of us..
unfortunately, there are many, many gays and lesbians that believe they can continue living that life and that God will welcome them into heaven along with those that have confessed their sins, and repented of that life..and God is the only one that can judge, but God will not and cannot allow anyone who is unrepentant into heaven..no matter what the sin is.
many and most leaders in the gay church tell their congregations that God is love, and He is..but God is also just..He is holy, and i don't think most people realize exactly what that means..
asking forgiveness of Him for what we've done is one thing..being repentant is another. to repent is to confess that sin and turn from it, in some cases(like mine) run from it;)
alot of Christians approach the glbt community the wrong way..with hate, and contempt, and self-righteousness, and threats of hellfire and brimstone..
which always reminds me of the woman that the pharisees brought to Jesus because she was caught in adultery..when asked what He thought should happen to her for what she had done, He drew a line in the sand and told the crowd of men collected there that "whoever is without sin, let him be the one to cast the first stone"..after thinking about what the Lord had said, and examining themselves (realizing that none of us is without sin), they set their stones down and left..the Lord then turned back to the woman, asking her where her accusers were..He simply told her "to go and sin no more"...
alot of Christians need to remember that when it comes to the hateful, accusing way(s) that they approach those that are still struggling and lost...
the following is my view on Christianity and how it relates to those that believe that being gay and continuing to live in the gay lifestyle are compatible with a true relationship with the Lord Jesus Christ...
i think there's a difference between the Christian struggling with his homosexuality and a gay person who hasn't known the Lord at all...
i only know what i believe, and what the Lord has laid on my heart...
my prayer for the gay Christian is that the Lord will lift the veil of deceit that the enemy has placed over their eyes and heart in regards to their personal relationship with the Lord.
i know that i believed for the longest time, as i was fence-sitting in my faith, that "God knew where my heart was", which is true, but at the same time, God can't and won't allow sin into heaven. even though i knew what i was doing was wrong in His eyes, there was a hope and belief that He would still save me and welcome me into heaven. the thing is, i was struggling with my sexuality and my faith simultaneously, and even though i knew better, i still wasn't willing to give Him my all, my everything. or maybe at that time, i thought that i had given Him enough to work with.
i was trapped in that corrupt and vicious circle of sin and repent, sin and repent, sin and repent...and if i'd actually repented at all, i would have leaned heavier on Him, gotten into His Word, and turned my back on the sin and walked away(or in my case, ran the other direction as fast as i could). so, i don't think i ever truly repented.
i was also deceived into thinking that as long as i didn't actually go through the act of sex with another person, that it wasn't as bad...when it's scriptural that if we've even so much as lusted after another man(or woman) with our eyes, it is adultery.
Matthew 5: 28
But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman/man lustfully has already committed adultery with her/him in his/her heart.
so, i was guilty right there. whether it was self-abuse, or having sexual relations with someone else, it is still adultery, as it is sex outside the bonds of marriage, and that in God's eyes is wrong.
there again, for so long, i felt or bought into that whole "God knowing where i stand" thing, what a sad joke...He did know where my heart was, and unfortunately it wasn't truly on Him.
i pray that, for both gay Christians and non-Christian gays that the Lord would send the right people in His time to be a true witness to them. when we're being deceived by the enemy, he uses all kinds of things to blind us to our variety of sin in our lives...whereas, my primary focus was my sexual sin, i didn't realize that he was still able to have a foothold/stronghold in my life because of all of the other unresolved sins in my life, that i wasn't even aware of. i heard this in a sermon awhile back, and it makes so much sense to me now. i would think my only real downfall was the sexual aspect of my life, when there were so many other issues that needed dealing with as well. from idolatry (the music, bands, and things i'd set before and higher than God) to whatever other sin i was immersed in and overlooking, and so on...the enemy kept my focus in the one area, and i was still drowning in the others.
that's why i pray daily that God will continue to bring these other areas in my life to my attention so that we can deal with them.
the Christian gay that believes he's doing the right thing and is going to go to heaven is being deceived, and without fully seeing their sin and repenting of it...they are heading toward sorrow and suffering, whether they love God or not, He loves them, too, and doesn't want that to be their future, but He can't allow them into His presence unless there has been repentance and forgiveness. it's hard on both sides...trying to convince a gay Christian that they're heading for trouble (as they should know they are if they know their bible and what the scriptures clearly state), or the non-Christian gay, as they may not necessarily see the need for Christ in their life, if they haven't been explained to the reasons why we need Jesus as our personal Savior.
that's why i feel its crucial that the right witness is sent into the lives of both Christian and non, as there is so much anger towards Jesus and the "Christian" community, due largely to the wrong type of witnessing and preaching by those that attend glbt parades, festivals and events to "spread the Gospel".
i know, having attended the pride parades before, that the "Christians" that show up to these events are(more often than not) red-faced, veins bulging in their foreheads, screaming at these people messages of damnation, which i definitely feel is the wrong approach.
the world is so used to Christians who use these methods, and when they see them doing that, they think "why would i want to live like that" or "that's what Jesus is all about?", and they probably do more harm than good for God's kingdom. their intentions might be good, but their delivery is taken offensively, and if that's their method, i can see why.
what did Jesus do? and what would Jesus do?
i think if we're to reach this community, it needs to be done with love and in such a way that it comes across as that they are truly loved by ourselves and more importantly by Him, but its the lifestyle that is unhealthy and will ultimately lead to death.
like i said before, i know i was deceived for a long time, but i think its because i kept hanging onto other sins in my life, and once i gave everything over to Him i was finally able to start to be healed in every area.
so, yeah...it's the prayer of realizing our sin, and the resulting deliverance from it. it's hard, too, because i know i had alot of people around me that coddled my sin lifestyle, and filled me with "feel-good" vibes, saying "well, my "god" wouldn't send someone to hell for being gay"...and that's the first mistake right there. of course, their "god" wouldn't send someone to hell for being gay, because they have just created a "god" that fits their liking and approves of such things, whereas it states in scripture a number of times how wrong sexual sin is in the eyes of the Lord. i dont know how many times i'd be engaged in that type of discussion/debate with someone, but if they say their "god" wouldn't do that, then that in itself is idolatry, as they've just created their own "god". if that were the case, then there would also be a large portion of liars, and thieves, and murderers(all unrepentant) in heaven, and as i said before...God loves us, but He can't allow these things in His kingdom.
i have so many friends still in the lifestyle, and i pray daily for their salvation.
it breaks my heart that many won't turn to Him in time before its too late, but yet i pray that they may...
i remember times when i'd meet a Christian, and the way i'd interact with them usually depended on their way of talking with me...but, i always remembered those that were Christian, and even if the impact was small, it still left an impression.
i stayed away, or at a real distance, from my true Christian friends for years, as the guilt and shame inside wouldn't allow me to throw my "lifestyle" and practices in their face...and ultimately, its that same group of people who i turned back to when things changed for me in july of 2007, when the veil was finally lifted, and i gave my life completely to the Lord.
i'm amazed, too, how acceptable the "lifestyle" has become in the world, due to the government, civil rights groups and the media. when i was still walking in the life, i didn't notice how much it had taken over the mindset of most that to accept this as a "normal" way of life was so widespread. so much so, that now there is "hate crime" legislation being considered so that telling someone that Jesus died for them and loves them can now either end up with a jail term or fines, how sad.
what made me feel the most loved by Christians was the Lord's love for me really showing through them by their actions or words.
the "false" love my non-Christian friends had for me, not knowing or caring that we were all heading down that wide road to hell together. when everything fell apart in my world last summer, not one of those "friends" really came to my side to see how i was doing, or if i was ok...please don't get me wrong, that's not a statement of pity, but rather an eye-opening revelation that all of those people that used to call me their "friend", once it was realized i'd given my life back to the Lord, were nowhere to be found. but, personally, i needed that from God...i needed my world rocked and my eyes opened to the reality that for so long i'd relied on my friends and my reputation to get by, but it was Him that mattered most and my relationship with Him that i needed in my life, as my priorities were all messed up.
i thank Him everyday for losing everything that i'd held so dear. had it not been for that, i wouldn't be writing this to you right now.
pride was/is a big factor in that lifestyle as well, another pitfall in our spiritual lives...to be "proud" of what and who you are, to have "pride" in your sexuality or individuality...how sad. and anyone that opposes that way of thinking, watch out-remember what i said about the legislation...
the town i lived in was very left-minded, and is home to a very loud and vocal and obvious glbt community....they're all daily in my prayers.
God has placed such a burden on my heart to continue to reach out to those in the lifestyle, and my prayer is that He'll continue to open doors for me to do just that, if its His will that i do so.
i still don't know what He has planned for my life, i just know that i'm completely here for Him whatever it is..where He leads, i will follow.
There have been struggles, there have been attacks(spiritual, physical, and personal)..yet God has remained steadfast and faithful through all of it.
I don't know what He has in store, but i know i'm so excited for what He has planned, but i'm so ready and willing to do as He asks. He has continued to open doors for me in the witnessing ministry that i wanted to begin for Him.
He has answered so many prayers since i gave Him life, and has blessed me with so much...i owe Him my life, and it's His.
There has been miraculous reconciliation between my mom and i (and the relationship with my dad is the best that i can hope for it to be, and i have to be content with that..God gave him to me to be my dad here, and i understand and can appreciate and respect that now), as well as within our family. My mom and i have never been closer than we are now, and i thank God for what He's been doing in her life and heart as well..she's not only my mom, but more importantly, my sister in Christ.
He has allowed me to witness to some of those that accused me this past summer, who have asked my forgiveness. I told them i'd forgiven them a long time ago, and that God was in control of things, and that i know He needed to rock my world completely to get me out of that situation.
For so many years, i used to justify my lifestyle and guilt by saying "Well, God knows where my heart is", and yeah He did, but it wasn't with Him. Now, He really does, and my heart, soul, and life belong only to Him. I would never have it any other way.
Whereas i used to want to drag people into my deviant lifestyle and support me in mine, now my strongest desire is to see people saved, and to know Him as their personal Saviour. I want to do as much for His kingdom as possible while He still gives me another day to share this story.
He doesn't promise any of us tomorrow, but He gave us today. He gave me today to share this with you, to reach one more person, to pray with or for one more person, to live for and serve Him one more day..that's why i've come to live each day of the rest of my life with an eternal perspective; knowing when this life is over, and i open my eyes and behold His face in glory..that i may hear Him say "well done, thou good and faithful servant..."
He has shown me through different situations that have occurred over the past six months, what it means to trust in Him, and to not deviate from the path that He las laid out before me..to fully trust that He will guide me, if i just remember to give Him control, instead of trying to rush the process, or do things to help Him along;) God is bigger than all and any of our situations, and He has our best interests in mind..
The call or burden He placed on my heart almost immediately after giving my life back to him has finally revealed itself a bit more, there again not knowing exactly how God will use me...i kept asking, and pray daily, that He will use me as a vessel however He sees fit..and He does, and He has..and now, with this ordination..i pray that it will give me opportunities as He allows to minister to those in need..
My life, my future..all glory goes to Him, all honor and praise are His..its not about me, its my life that He gave me..but its about what He's done with it..its about making sure that people know what God is more than capable of doing in the lives of the truly messed-up..how He can take our mess, and make it His message...
whew! well, that's it. that's my story...and thanks to Him, it's far from over!
I now know that the only reason why i'm still here to share this is because through all of the horrible things i put myself through, and lived through..that God has a purpose for my life, and He is opening doors daily..and i am awed, and am so eternally thankful and grateful to be here today..to share this. I owe Him my life, as it was Him alone that gave it to me.

as a side-note..there are many other dark and deadly things that i was involved with, that are not included here..what you have read is what God laid on my heart to share.
i believe there is enough included here to at least relay the idea that regardless of what we've done, what we've been through, put others through..that He is still there, waiting with open arms to take us in..to reconcile ourselves to Him..

God bless..