Surely the darkness will hide me

I know God can heal a broken heart, but he has to have all the pieces.
I believe the true weight of Christian testimony is directing your experience towards non-Christians. Aiming toward those who mistakenly believe they are unworthy, writing from an angle that the non-Christian can empathize with.
I don’t believe that every person is healed in a moment; some take time (a lot of time) for Jesus to gently cut away the scars that bind hearts. I once thought I was too damaged, too lost to be whole. Every time I would go forward (with my heart as open as I believed it could be) to ask for forgiveness and healing, I would return to my seat broken hearted feeling rejected once more. My road would be a long rocky one not a "flash of light" and an immediate understanding and faith. I’m still walking this road.
My childhood story is one of molestation and rape, the absolute rejection of my biological father and constant pain from a congenital disorder. At 16 the condition was finally diagnosed (3 operations, 2 hip reconstructions and traction within 16 months). I was diagnosed with Major Depression in my late teens. In my early 20's the earth-shattering loss of a prestigious place at a conservatorium and ultimately that career path (which had defined me and my reason for being for so long). The the loss of friends, diagnoses of Bi-polar disorder, drug and alcohol abuse, antidepressants, lithium, electro-shock therapy, suicide attempts and psych hospital admissions. As for relationships ... my self worth was such that I was grateful of the attentions of any man. Marriage, betrayal, divorce and finally accepting 3 years of physical/emotional abuse and depravity from another partner, once again, just to feel wanted (?).

• Pull yourself together
• You are worthless
• Get over it
• There is nothing wrong with you
• Your weak, you don’t try hard enough
• Smile, it can’t be that bad. I’ve been low too.
• You are useless
• At least it’s nothing serious
• You are nothing
• You are not still on medication, are you?
Were the phrases I said to myself and too often heard from others

However, through the chaos there was always a lifeline. An occurrence, a person, something or someone to renew my strength, keeping me safe a little longer. It took me years to admit the lucky escapes were too miraculous to be “good luck”

"Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?
If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
if I make my bed in the depths, [a] you are there.
If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
if I settle on the far side of the sea,
even there your hand will guide me,
your right hand will hold me fast.
If I say, "Surely the darkness will hide me
and the light become night around me,"
even the darkness will not be dark to you;
the night will shine like the day,
for darkness is as light to you."
Psalm139:7-12

I came to realize through wise counsel and His word that there aren’t always quick fixes for the broken hearted, it was ok that my heart had not been healed in an instant. That there are many like me with a broken spirit, who have felt the pain of rejection so keenly that Jesus gently attends the wounds of our hearts one hurt at a time. I wasn’t alone! I wasn’t without hope or unworthy! It has often taken the depressed, chronically anxious and the truly broken many years to reach desperation point and so that person may be doubtful again, need the same reassurance day, after day, after day. To families and friends, I know how difficult this must be, stand before Him and plead “Lord, he whom thou lovest is sick.”.

I do not mean to preach when I write these lines. I want to share through my own experience, that both outside and inside the Church often ignorance has been the ultimate teacher, filling people’s hearts and minds with prejudice and misinformation. The stigma surrounding mental illness (especially depression) is still rife. So unfortunately many still see mental illnesses e.g. depression and anxiety disorders as weakness, not “real” illness, or sadly they avoid the sufferers. The tragedy is that because of the force of this stigma often the sufferer can share these beliefs, compounding their belief that there is no hope, no God for them... increasing fear of failure, self-loathing and sadly sometimes their wish for death. For Christians to make a real difference in the lives of the mentally ill, the broken, bruised, and rejected; this stigma needs to be smashed because psychiatry won't save, only loving and understanding ministry will. We all need to remember that it is acceptable to have problems, we all have scars.

"For who makes you different from anyone else? What do you have that you did not receive? And if you did receive it, why do you boast as though you did not?" 1 Cor.4:7


Jesus died for all of us. Including the depressives, the bipolars, the rejected, the broken hearted and the abused. He does not leave. He can break through. Sometimes he sends someone who will not judge only hold us, rock us and sometimes his soft calm voice breaks through the chaos.
I am a work in progress.

“For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.
Jeremiah 29:11-13

Thank you for reading my story. Thank you Blessed Jesus for helping me write it.